OTTAWA — Twelve Canadians found guilty of fraud have been required by judges to vote in the 2016 American Presidential Election as part of their sentences. While some legal professionals have applauded these sentences as an example of innovative and effective law keeping, the move has received heavy backlash from others, with some protesters calling it the cruelest punishment in Canadian history.
“On one hand, it sends a much-needed message to would-be criminals about how seriously Canada takes crime,” one anonymous judge told reporters. “On the other hand, the Charter of Rights and Freedoms exists for a reason.”
Initial polls show that Trump and Clinton are neck and neck in support among the Canadian criminal demographic, with 25% of voters still undecided.
“I just can’t decide which one is worse,” one inmate lamented, rattling the bars of his cell. “Do I vote Trump to stop Clinton or Clinton to stop Trump?” Another, when asked about who he thought he’d prefer as president, simply wailed, “Lord, take this cup from me!”
Several of the convicts have reported having nightmares about their impending decision, prompting a movement in the Mental Health Commission of Canada to have involvement in the election classified as a form of psychological torture.
In what appears to be an attempt to circumvent the spirit of the punishment, one convict has expressed her intent to vote for a third-party candidate. According to sources, many American citizens are interpreting this as simultaneously voting for both of the major candidates, with the majority agreeing that the only thing worse than voting for Trump or Clinton is doing anything else.
The legality of the sentences is set to be reviewed on November 7th, pending Canadians’ ability to stop admiring their Prime Minister’s fantastic abs for long enough to focus on an actual policy.